The cover of the April 2, 2008 issue of David Magazine was devoted to the "3 by Topher Festival" at Process Theatre Company. To celebrate the event, the magazine decided to have Topher Payne be interviewed... by Topher Payne. Q: So, Topher. Beginning April 10th, Process Theatre Company will be presenting the world premiere of three of your plays in the 3 by Topher Festival. I’m sure the question on the minds of all our readers is: What makes you so fucking special?
A: I’m glad you asked. I’m not really special at all, other than doing a fairly decent impression of Rick Astley. You know, the guy who sang Together Forever?
Q: I always liked that song. But come on, three plays? Somebody must think you’re a great writer.
A: Not a great writer, just a prolific one. I pay attention and take careful notes. I like how people talk. But I haven’t premiered a new play in two years. After I saw the production of my last one, The Attala County Garden Club, I decided I’d better take some time off.
Q: Because it was terrible? Were you humiliated? Did you drink?
A: No, it was a good show, a good production. I saw it maybe four times during the run, and then again when it was produced in Mississippi. I realized I had all these people paying to hear the story I’d created, but what was I saying? After seeing the play, did they understand the world, themselves, any better? If I’m not really using that chance to communicate with people, then it’s a sadly wasted opportunity. I think the new plays are a lot closer to that goal. The material’s tougher, raises some real concerns.
Q: Oh. So you’re not funny anymore.
A: I am too! Every single harsh moment in my life has some funny story attached to it. That’s how life is. Last week my fiancée Preppy and I went to his grandmother’s funeral. And it wasn’t easy, you know? But then, at the visitation, these two old ladies were standing at the casket paying their respects, and this crazy spinster sneaks up behind one of them and goes, “BOO!” And our jaws just hit the floor. You don’t frighten the elderly while they’re looking at a dead woman! I started laughing, and I could not stop. Had to leave the room. And I’ll never ever forget Grandma’s funeral because of that. If you really want to leave a lasting impression, all you need is a good laugh. That’s something I always adhere to as a writer.
Q: You mentioned Preppy. What’s it like for him, or Slutty Mandy, or the other people you talk about in your columns? Are they okay with you using their private lives as popular entertainment, or do they secretly hate you?
A: My loved ones know that for me, nothing is off the record. I’ve got a column to do, people. But the plays are where I work out the big stuff- the things you can’t wrap up in 700 words. There are things I’ve always wanted to say to someone, but can’t. So I let a character say it in one of my shows. I think my characters are a lot braver than I am. I know they’re a lot smarter.
Q: Are any of the characters in 3 by Topher based on your life?
A: Even though each play is inspired by events I was in no way a part of, who these people are comes from the crazy voices in my head. Perfect Arrangement is about that point in your life when you decide between staying comfortably closeted or living out in the open, despite the inherent dangers. Every gay person has to make that choice, and I was intrigued by making that internal struggle public. Above the Fold came from whenever I see a reality show, and wonder what life is like for their spouses, their coworkers. So we follow a woman after she loses a plastic surgery beauty pageant, then goes home to West Virginia with new face and finds nothing else changed. And in Don’t Look at the Fat Lady, I wanted to force the audience to examine someone they would normally ignore. So I put them alone in a room with a 500-pound woman and make them listen. Now, I’ve never weighed a quarter ton, but I’ve been around shirtless guys on a dance floor who made me feel like I did. It’s just that sense of being too much, yet not nearly enough. I think we can all relate to that.
Q: Thank you, Topher Payne. Playwright, Columnist, Rick Astley impersonator. This was the best interview I’ve ever done.
A: Yes. I like that I was able to do it in my underwear while lounging in bed.
Q: Isn’t that how you do all your interviews?
A: Oh, yeah. Actually it is.
A: I’m glad you asked. I’m not really special at all, other than doing a fairly decent impression of Rick Astley. You know, the guy who sang Together Forever?
Q: I always liked that song. But come on, three plays? Somebody must think you’re a great writer.
A: Not a great writer, just a prolific one. I pay attention and take careful notes. I like how people talk. But I haven’t premiered a new play in two years. After I saw the production of my last one, The Attala County Garden Club, I decided I’d better take some time off.
Q: Because it was terrible? Were you humiliated? Did you drink?
A: No, it was a good show, a good production. I saw it maybe four times during the run, and then again when it was produced in Mississippi. I realized I had all these people paying to hear the story I’d created, but what was I saying? After seeing the play, did they understand the world, themselves, any better? If I’m not really using that chance to communicate with people, then it’s a sadly wasted opportunity. I think the new plays are a lot closer to that goal. The material’s tougher, raises some real concerns.
Q: Oh. So you’re not funny anymore.
A: I am too! Every single harsh moment in my life has some funny story attached to it. That’s how life is. Last week my fiancée Preppy and I went to his grandmother’s funeral. And it wasn’t easy, you know? But then, at the visitation, these two old ladies were standing at the casket paying their respects, and this crazy spinster sneaks up behind one of them and goes, “BOO!” And our jaws just hit the floor. You don’t frighten the elderly while they’re looking at a dead woman! I started laughing, and I could not stop. Had to leave the room. And I’ll never ever forget Grandma’s funeral because of that. If you really want to leave a lasting impression, all you need is a good laugh. That’s something I always adhere to as a writer.
Q: You mentioned Preppy. What’s it like for him, or Slutty Mandy, or the other people you talk about in your columns? Are they okay with you using their private lives as popular entertainment, or do they secretly hate you?
A: My loved ones know that for me, nothing is off the record. I’ve got a column to do, people. But the plays are where I work out the big stuff- the things you can’t wrap up in 700 words. There are things I’ve always wanted to say to someone, but can’t. So I let a character say it in one of my shows. I think my characters are a lot braver than I am. I know they’re a lot smarter.
Q: Are any of the characters in 3 by Topher based on your life?
A: Even though each play is inspired by events I was in no way a part of, who these people are comes from the crazy voices in my head. Perfect Arrangement is about that point in your life when you decide between staying comfortably closeted or living out in the open, despite the inherent dangers. Every gay person has to make that choice, and I was intrigued by making that internal struggle public. Above the Fold came from whenever I see a reality show, and wonder what life is like for their spouses, their coworkers. So we follow a woman after she loses a plastic surgery beauty pageant, then goes home to West Virginia with new face and finds nothing else changed. And in Don’t Look at the Fat Lady, I wanted to force the audience to examine someone they would normally ignore. So I put them alone in a room with a 500-pound woman and make them listen. Now, I’ve never weighed a quarter ton, but I’ve been around shirtless guys on a dance floor who made me feel like I did. It’s just that sense of being too much, yet not nearly enough. I think we can all relate to that.Q: Thank you, Topher Payne. Playwright, Columnist, Rick Astley impersonator. This was the best interview I’ve ever done.
A: Yes. I like that I was able to do it in my underwear while lounging in bed.
Q: Isn’t that how you do all your interviews?
A: Oh, yeah. Actually it is.
