Okay, remember how my pal Slutty Mandy decided try something new and go out with a guy a few years older than her usual meat market? Well, she called me with an update, and it was a doozie.“Wait, he’s WHAT?”
“You heard me,” she said. “He’s goddamn motherfucking MARRIED. As in, man and wife, rings and shared debt, the whole thing.”
“But you said he was divorced.”
“Because that’s what HE said,” she hissed. “Then last night he clarified that statement. Apparently when he said “divorced,” he meant “not really even remotely divorced.”
“Well that is just… tacky.”
“It seems that the only difference with older guys is that they’ve had more time to get really good at lying. I’m so fed up. The only thing worse than being a dirty mistress is being one without realizing it.”
“Maybe it’s time you try that lesbianism thing the girls are so wild about,” I say. “Lindsay Lohan seems to find it agreeable. I think I’ve got a brochure around here somewhere.”
“I’ve tried the girl thing,” she says. “Aside from it being less messy I really failed to see the appeal. Jesus, Topher, why do men do this? Why is one person never enough for a guy?”
It’s a question often asked. Statistics tell us that men wrestle with the concept of monogamy more than women. Although, I assume these reports are based upon interviews. It’s entirely possible that the men are admitting to their indiscretions, while the women are simply better at hiding it.
For most of the guys I know, finding the one and only remains the stated goal. Listening to them, one would assume they crave monogamous relationships. And yet in the moment, a nice option comes along, and suddenly a man can conveniently forget he’s married until after he’s been on a few dates and stayed over. It’s bad enough when there’s one man involved, but when it’s two guys attempting a relationship, surrounded by other horny gay guys… well, resisting temptation basically becomes your full-time job.
My friend Sammy used to hang out with a married guy, just as friends. There was a little flirtation, but nothing that spelled trouble brewing. Then one night, Sammy got a text from the guy that said “I wish I was inside U,” and attached to the message was a picture of his erect penis. Sammy was without words. He handed me his phone and waited for my response.
“Where is he right now?” I asked.
“I think he’s at Wetbar. Why?”
“Because this was taken in his bedroom. It’s a used dick pic. Not only is he trashy enough to try and cheat with you, he sent you a picture he probably took for his husband.”
“Oh my God,” said Sammy. “That IS trashy. I don’t even warrant a new dick pic?”
“If that doesn’t sum up the situation, I don’t know what will.”
Look, I’m no idiot. Monogamy is hard. I have cheated on boyfriends in the past. I had every excuse in the world, too: We hadn’t been dating that long, I was drunk, he ignores me, I think the relationship is going to end soon anyway, he won’t let me fuck him enough, he won’t let me blow him, or my most consistent, I just wanted to feel desirable. I was smart enough to know, sometimes in the moment and sometimes immediately after, that what I was doing was hurting the guy I was dating at the time even if he didn’t know. I didn’t realize how much I was fucking with my own head. That came later, when I actually committed to one person and finally respected how significant that is, and how unprepared I was to not solve problems in the relationship by going out and getting some strange.
We don’t really need statistics to know that men love the thrill of a new conquest. But a word of advice to those who might conveniently forget they’re married at the sight of a hot ass: Work to maintain what you were lucky enough to find, or know when to walk away. But don’t try juggling your commitments. You might get off in the moment, but at the end of the day all you’ll be is a used dick in somebody’s i-Phone, waiting to be deleted.
