It’s the day of my performance in Mississippi, which has become a homecoming of sorts- my parents arrived with a group of nearly thirty people to see the play. All of these people brought food. My costar and I have agreed to put our fitness regimen on hold for the weekend, because of all the awesome fatty foodstuffs we’d miss out on otherwise. There’s a reason Mississippi’s the fattest state in the country, and that reason is because lard-based cuisine is freakin’ delicious.
My fiancé Preppy’s parents are staying in a hotel across the street from my family’s mob, which is smart because the Paynes tend to get loud and raise the ire of innkeepers. I meet Preppy’s mama in the lobby .
“Daddy’s back is all bound up from the drive,” she says as we embrace. “But he’ll be fine for the show. I’m not giving him a choice. Come up and say hello.”
Preppy’s stuck in Atlanta this weekend, because the store he runs just started selling bras. It’s a much bigger deal than you can imagine. He’s been angling for those bras for months. There’s always money in boobs. To make up for his absence, I have been texting him with consistent updates since we crossed the state line.
We reach the door of a hotel room, and my future mother-in-law turns to me with a mischievous grin.
“I have a surprise for you.”
She opens the door. Revealing my fiancé. I burst into tears, which alarms him.
“I thought you’d be happy!” he says, holding me up.
“I am, I… muh huh huh… I thought you (sob)… bras… and I tried so (sniff)… pragmatic.”
“I know, darlin’. But both sets of parents? We’d never make you deal with that on your own.”
Then the bathroom door opens. My best girl Slutty Mandy enters, in a towel, appropriately enough.
“I had sex with the hottest rugby player last night, and I drove seven hours just to tell you about it.”
And now my life is complete.
An hour later, I’m ironing Preppy’s shirt for the show while describing the family members the assembled group will be meeting later.
“My Aunt Ellen is the only other actor in the family. She did plays in high school, always played the maid. One of my cousins told me she was in blackface, but she denies it.”
“Mississippi in the fifties,” says Mandy. “Seems entirely plausible.”
“And my Aunt Grace, she’s married to my Uncle Big Bub.”
“Father of Little Bub,” Tommy clarifies for his mother, who’s new to all this. “Big Bub’s real name is Roger. They used to live in Vicksburg, you and Dad might have known them. Roger and Grace Patterson?”
Preppy’s mama’s face goes gray. She stands, turns toward the door, then turns back.
“Mom,” says Preppy. “What’s wrong?”
“Roger and Grace Patterson are your aunt and uncle?”
“Oh God,” I say. “Did Uncle Big Bub sue you? He likes to sue people. My family has weird hobbies.”
“No, no… They were divorced at one time, yes?”
I nod. It was back in the early nineties. She got a little house, which I was allowed to visit once. She made Frito Pie, which I think proves she was keeping herself together pretty well. People in total crisis don’t make Frito Pie. They go to Sonic or something. In the family we refer to this entire episode as “Aunt Grace’s Vacation.” But I’m digressing, and there’s a panicked mother-in-law standing before us stammering.
“Son, you remember when your Daddy and I were separated for a bit. I dated that nice man who had the pool and the catfish pond… That was… Topher’s uncle.”
Our happiness is so ridiculously dependent upon timing. Had that brief courtship not ended with Preppy’s parents reconciling and my aunt and uncle remarrying, things could have been quite different. My future husband would instead be my cousin. If that ain’t the most perfect damn Mississippi story ever told, I cannot imagine what is. And had Preppy not decided to forsake his bras and join me at my side, we could have missed out on what is certain to become our favorite story of how we didn’t meet.
My fiancé Preppy’s parents are staying in a hotel across the street from my family’s mob, which is smart because the Paynes tend to get loud and raise the ire of innkeepers. I meet Preppy’s mama in the lobby .
“Daddy’s back is all bound up from the drive,” she says as we embrace. “But he’ll be fine for the show. I’m not giving him a choice. Come up and say hello.”
Preppy’s stuck in Atlanta this weekend, because the store he runs just started selling bras. It’s a much bigger deal than you can imagine. He’s been angling for those bras for months. There’s always money in boobs. To make up for his absence, I have been texting him with consistent updates since we crossed the state line.
We reach the door of a hotel room, and my future mother-in-law turns to me with a mischievous grin.
“I have a surprise for you.”
She opens the door. Revealing my fiancé. I burst into tears, which alarms him.
“I thought you’d be happy!” he says, holding me up.
“I am, I… muh huh huh… I thought you (sob)… bras… and I tried so (sniff)… pragmatic.”
“I know, darlin’. But both sets of parents? We’d never make you deal with that on your own.”
Then the bathroom door opens. My best girl Slutty Mandy enters, in a towel, appropriately enough.
“I had sex with the hottest rugby player last night, and I drove seven hours just to tell you about it.”
And now my life is complete.
An hour later, I’m ironing Preppy’s shirt for the show while describing the family members the assembled group will be meeting later.
“My Aunt Ellen is the only other actor in the family. She did plays in high school, always played the maid. One of my cousins told me she was in blackface, but she denies it.”
“Mississippi in the fifties,” says Mandy. “Seems entirely plausible.”
“And my Aunt Grace, she’s married to my Uncle Big Bub.”
“Father of Little Bub,” Tommy clarifies for his mother, who’s new to all this. “Big Bub’s real name is Roger. They used to live in Vicksburg, you and Dad might have known them. Roger and Grace Patterson?”
Preppy’s mama’s face goes gray. She stands, turns toward the door, then turns back.
“Mom,” says Preppy. “What’s wrong?”
“Roger and Grace Patterson are your aunt and uncle?”
“Oh God,” I say. “Did Uncle Big Bub sue you? He likes to sue people. My family has weird hobbies.”
“No, no… They were divorced at one time, yes?”
I nod. It was back in the early nineties. She got a little house, which I was allowed to visit once. She made Frito Pie, which I think proves she was keeping herself together pretty well. People in total crisis don’t make Frito Pie. They go to Sonic or something. In the family we refer to this entire episode as “Aunt Grace’s Vacation.” But I’m digressing, and there’s a panicked mother-in-law standing before us stammering.
“Son, you remember when your Daddy and I were separated for a bit. I dated that nice man who had the pool and the catfish pond… That was… Topher’s uncle.”
Our happiness is so ridiculously dependent upon timing. Had that brief courtship not ended with Preppy’s parents reconciling and my aunt and uncle remarrying, things could have been quite different. My future husband would instead be my cousin. If that ain’t the most perfect damn Mississippi story ever told, I cannot imagine what is. And had Preppy not decided to forsake his bras and join me at my side, we could have missed out on what is certain to become our favorite story of how we didn’t meet.
