My bed in the Greenville, Alabama Jameson Inn is freakin’ huge. You could throw some ropes up and hold an exhibition wrestling match in here, like those gay wrestlers used to do in Suburban Plaza. I’m lounging on a pile of pillows, engaging in my nightly ritual of loading up my I-pod with music and podcasts for the drive to our next tour stop. I’ve been working my way through the NPR catalog of podcasts. Also, as we drive, I’ve taken to writing down the names of songs I haven’t heard in a while and downloading them when I get to the hotel. That’s pretty much the extent of my life right now. Two hours of performance, followed by eight hours at hotel, and the rest is driving.
Not that I’m complaining. It totally has its upsides. I’ve listened to so much NPR on these daylong drives that I’m now better-informed than at any previous point in my life. I’ve got an amazing handle on this whole financial bailout thing. Plus, after listening to him talk for up to ten hours at a time, I think I have a crush on This American Life host Ira Glass. I already had a crush on Atlanta public radio personality John Lemley, so now I feel like I’m cheating on him with Ira. Sorry, John.
I’m also hearing songs I haven’t even thought of in years. Like “Walk the Dinosaur,” and the theme song from St. Elmo’s Fire, which took a minute to find because to my surprise it isn’t called “St. Elmo’s Fire.” It’s titled “Man in Motion,” and I’ve listened to it so many times I’m pretty sure it qualifies as my theme song. I totally love it, and am convinced that I too can be where the eagle’s flyin’, higher and higher. All I need’s a pair of wheels.
My co-star Jef and I have begun to notice the result of lengthy bouts of inactivity followed by trips to Wendy’s and Burger King. Zippers on our costumes began to catch. Pants which once fastened without resistance started to put up a fight.
Not that I’m complaining. It totally has its upsides. I’ve listened to so much NPR on these daylong drives that I’m now better-informed than at any previous point in my life. I’ve got an amazing handle on this whole financial bailout thing. Plus, after listening to him talk for up to ten hours at a time, I think I have a crush on This American Life host Ira Glass. I already had a crush on Atlanta public radio personality John Lemley, so now I feel like I’m cheating on him with Ira. Sorry, John.
I’m also hearing songs I haven’t even thought of in years. Like “Walk the Dinosaur,” and the theme song from St. Elmo’s Fire, which took a minute to find because to my surprise it isn’t called “St. Elmo’s Fire.” It’s titled “Man in Motion,” and I’ve listened to it so many times I’m pretty sure it qualifies as my theme song. I totally love it, and am convinced that I too can be where the eagle’s flyin’, higher and higher. All I need’s a pair of wheels.
My co-star Jef and I have begun to notice the result of lengthy bouts of inactivity followed by trips to Wendy’s and Burger King. Zippers on our costumes began to catch. Pants which once fastened without resistance started to put up a fight.
Three meals a day from the dollar menus are officially taking a toll.
“Jef,” I say at last one night in an Arkansas Days Inn. “Have you seen Super Size Me?”
“I know where you’re going with this.”
“Where I’m apparently going is to the Big and Tall shop, and I’d really like to avoid that. I refuse to get fat. I can’t afford a new wardrobe.”
“I’m game for a boot camp if you are,” he says, and an idea begins to form in my mind.
Several years ago, I hired a personal trainer named Drew, who managed to get me in the best shape of my life. This was despite my resistance at every possible turn.
“Jef,” I say at last one night in an Arkansas Days Inn. “Have you seen Super Size Me?”
“I know where you’re going with this.”
“Where I’m apparently going is to the Big and Tall shop, and I’d really like to avoid that. I refuse to get fat. I can’t afford a new wardrobe.”
“I’m game for a boot camp if you are,” he says, and an idea begins to form in my mind.
Several years ago, I hired a personal trainer named Drew, who managed to get me in the best shape of my life. This was despite my resistance at every possible turn.
With my newfound biceps and less expansive ass, I managed to trap myself the man I now intend to marry. And I never touched a free weight again.
Until now.
Apparently personal “training” turned out to live up to its name, because I still remember everything that buff bastard taught me. I’d just blocked it out, like a childhood trauma or a the details of a car accident. And that information’s been lying in wait, knowing eventually I’d come waddling back, and do those damn lunges again.
I wrote out routines for upper and lower-body workouts. Weights were purchased, and early-morning plans were set. And against my own body’s protests, I was back in motion. But this time, my cohort is a man who’s sobbing right alongside me, missing cheese. I think it also helps that this time, I’m kinda in charge, which I really dig, because I like to be in charge of things. I’m never happy as a student for very long. The responsibility of setting a good example is the number one thing getting me out of bed.
If we keep this up, and maintain our united front insisting on Subway for lunch and dinner, when I return home this June I’ll be in great shape for whatever the hell I’m doing after this tour ends. Which is probably the next thing I should tackle- come summer I’m gonna need something else to do for money.
Apparently personal “training” turned out to live up to its name, because I still remember everything that buff bastard taught me. I’d just blocked it out, like a childhood trauma or a the details of a car accident. And that information’s been lying in wait, knowing eventually I’d come waddling back, and do those damn lunges again.
I wrote out routines for upper and lower-body workouts. Weights were purchased, and early-morning plans were set. And against my own body’s protests, I was back in motion. But this time, my cohort is a man who’s sobbing right alongside me, missing cheese. I think it also helps that this time, I’m kinda in charge, which I really dig, because I like to be in charge of things. I’m never happy as a student for very long. The responsibility of setting a good example is the number one thing getting me out of bed.
If we keep this up, and maintain our united front insisting on Subway for lunch and dinner, when I return home this June I’ll be in great shape for whatever the hell I’m doing after this tour ends. Which is probably the next thing I should tackle- come summer I’m gonna need something else to do for money.
I’ll think about that while I do crunches. As long as I keep moving, something good’s bound to happen.
