I got an e-mail this morning from a regular reader of my column- I can’t use the phrase “fan mail” because those are letters dedicated to flattery and asking for photographs. I worked at “Party of Five” star Mitchell Anderson’s restaurant for a number of years. That man gets real fan mail. I get critiques of my columnist photo and occasional requests for information on home repairs. But this letter was different. The reader had recently been diagnosed with cancer, and as I’d written a little about it in the past, she was requesting a few pointers from my experience. She included her phone number, so I just gave her a call.
When asked why I’ve never written in detail about my experience with B-Cell Lymphoma, my stock answer is that I’m saving it for my one-man show. It’s my clever slight-of-hand which keeps me from having to discuss it. As I’ve said before, I firmly believe there are some challenges in life which we need not revisit. Just extract what lessons you can and get on with things. Maybe that’s unhealthy, but unlike a physical disease, one’s methods for maintaining emotional well-being really can’t be questioned. Whatever you’ve found keeps your shit in one sneaker is what works for you. Rosie O’Donnell likes to hang upside down. If it makes her less Rosie hosting “The View” and more Rosie hosting The Tony Awards, let the woman pretend she’s a vampire bat for an hour or two.
That’s why I hated my few attempts at therapy. You sit in a dimly-lit room with a stranger and talk about all the horrible moments from your life. How awful. Just put on a pot of coffee and a Pixar movie, and I’ll be right as rain in no time. As for all the traumatic crap, I’m a fan of good old-fashioned Southern suppression.
When asked why I’ve never written in detail about my experience with B-Cell Lymphoma, my stock answer is that I’m saving it for my one-man show. It’s my clever slight-of-hand which keeps me from having to discuss it. As I’ve said before, I firmly believe there are some challenges in life which we need not revisit. Just extract what lessons you can and get on with things. Maybe that’s unhealthy, but unlike a physical disease, one’s methods for maintaining emotional well-being really can’t be questioned. Whatever you’ve found keeps your shit in one sneaker is what works for you. Rosie O’Donnell likes to hang upside down. If it makes her less Rosie hosting “The View” and more Rosie hosting The Tony Awards, let the woman pretend she’s a vampire bat for an hour or two.
That’s why I hated my few attempts at therapy. You sit in a dimly-lit room with a stranger and talk about all the horrible moments from your life. How awful. Just put on a pot of coffee and a Pixar movie, and I’ll be right as rain in no time. As for all the traumatic crap, I’m a fan of good old-fashioned Southern suppression.
But then a moment like this comes up, and I’m on the phone with a stranger, navigating the land mines of my own history.
So okay. I’ve told you about my life for four years. We’re friends now. So here’s the two big things I learned from the period when I was trying really hard not to die.
Thing one: I insisted in my first course of treatment that I face it on my own. I went to chemo by myself, met with doctors by myself, the whole shebang. This was because I needed to know I was strong enough to fight on my own power. I know now that doing this caused a fracture of truse in my relationship with my family that took years to repair. The effect it had on my boyfriend at the time was never repaired. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It is smart, strong, and brave. When you’re in for the fight of your life, utilizing every resource you have means utilizing the people around you. It’s tough for them too, and during times that you’re doped up and delirious, you get to have a little break. They don’t.
So okay. I’ve told you about my life for four years. We’re friends now. So here’s the two big things I learned from the period when I was trying really hard not to die.
Thing one: I insisted in my first course of treatment that I face it on my own. I went to chemo by myself, met with doctors by myself, the whole shebang. This was because I needed to know I was strong enough to fight on my own power. I know now that doing this caused a fracture of truse in my relationship with my family that took years to repair. The effect it had on my boyfriend at the time was never repaired. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It is smart, strong, and brave. When you’re in for the fight of your life, utilizing every resource you have means utilizing the people around you. It’s tough for them too, and during times that you’re doped up and delirious, you get to have a little break. They don’t.
Nobody gives them anything to take the pain away.
Thing two: People who survive chronic illnesses are not “survivors.” They are Veterans. They have been to battle, fought like hell, and all they want is to get back to the life they were fighting for. Don’t treat them like a sick person. No one is ever “dying.” You are alive until the moment you aren’t anymore. So don’t make the weepy “You’re dying” face when you see them. They hate that.
The expression, “You were spared for a reason,” implies others are DEAD for a reason. Granted, I’m not in charge here, but I find it hard to believe that people with children, houseplants, partners, and a lot to offer the world are getting snuffed out for a reason. Living through an illness simply gives you an appreciation for the unpredictable length of life. No one can predict how long they’ve got, so just marvel at how extraordinary RIGHT NOW is. And if in that moment of now, you find you’re not happy with what you see, get busy changing it. Because yesterday and tomorrow are both completely beyond your control.
That’s what I learned. Use it as you see fit.
Thing two: People who survive chronic illnesses are not “survivors.” They are Veterans. They have been to battle, fought like hell, and all they want is to get back to the life they were fighting for. Don’t treat them like a sick person. No one is ever “dying.” You are alive until the moment you aren’t anymore. So don’t make the weepy “You’re dying” face when you see them. They hate that.
The expression, “You were spared for a reason,” implies others are DEAD for a reason. Granted, I’m not in charge here, but I find it hard to believe that people with children, houseplants, partners, and a lot to offer the world are getting snuffed out for a reason. Living through an illness simply gives you an appreciation for the unpredictable length of life. No one can predict how long they’ve got, so just marvel at how extraordinary RIGHT NOW is. And if in that moment of now, you find you’re not happy with what you see, get busy changing it. Because yesterday and tomorrow are both completely beyond your control.
That’s what I learned. Use it as you see fit.
